So I had an epiphany today… just a little one… if there is such thing as a “little” epiphany… Hm. When I think of the word and concept of “epiphany” I think of HUGE AMAZING insight… well this was in”sight”, with the pun smugly intended, even though it was not a mind blowing epiphany… it was still that little BING light bulb going off in my head.. Hm…whether an epiphany needs to be mind-blowingly (yes I can make up words if I want …it is my blog) momentous or not, I had one. period. So onward….
So I am a special education teacher SLASH case coordinator (well, I am a long term sub at this point but I still AM a sp ed CC!!!) … and the more I learn about special ed the more I think I AM special… (this is funny and serious at the same time) …and I believe we ARE all in some form handicapped and or disabled in some way… it may be small teensy tiny… like some ridiculous THING that causes us to NOT be able to function “normally” (if there is really a normal normal) in public.
I have decided since my son is an Aspie (he is high functioning autistic, probably Asperger-ish…who knows all people on the spectrum are all so wonderfully different in their uniqueness)… so since I have a child who is on the spectrum I believe that maybe, just maybe I have a smidgen of autism in me…
Why do I think this? I think back to when I was VERY VERY unnaturally shy as a child… yeah sure many kids were shy as a kid but I was uncomfortably ridiculously shy, I hid behind my mother. A LOT…. I did not like to talk to people that much (unless they were my close friends or family)… I was horrified if I had to say anything in a group much less in class… (OH the HORROR! AAAHHH!) … yeah sure I survived and I am now quite the opposite of shy (hahaha) …but I do think that something MORE was up with me when I was a child….
To this day I do not like LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYE. Sure I will do it, but if you ever talk to me for any length of time I will for the most part talk to the floor, wall, chair, plant, cat or anything else but your face. Sure I am talking TO you but I don’t LOOK at you a whole lot when I am conversing with you. I am not comfortable with LOOKING INTO other people’s eyes. It makes me uncomfortable. Like I said I will do it for small snippets of time but then will look away to here there and everywhere else… and then back to your face. I probably am not as bad as I make it sound… but I do not constantly stare into someone’s face when talking. I don’t get HOW people do that. I think the uncomfortableness comes from feeling like I am looking INTO that person when I look into their eyes… into their SOUL if you will… “The Eyes are the window to your soul” said Bill Shakespeare… O.O …yeah it is freaky if you ask me. Am I the only one who feels this way? Hm. probably not…
So to the point… today I was eating lunch with my co-workers and when I eat I take my glasses off to see my food. Yes I do. I’m serious. You see my glasses are for distances, near-sighted (I never understood why it was called that) and ever since I have started pushing fifty my prescription is so strong that I cannot see things that are close up when I have my glasses on (I know it doesn’t make sense… when I wear contact lenses I now have to wear reading glasses, go figure that one out) anyway… so I take my glasses off when I eat… so I was chatting with my friends and “BING BING BING! Ricochet Rabbit!” light goes on …I realized, “Hey I can stare at my friends faces and not look away!”…BECAUSE their faces are blurry! and I am not uncomfortable staring at something I cannot focus on…STARE STARE STARE TALK TALK TALK STARE! JOY! It was an epiphany! I always knew there was a reason, no matter how silly or stupid, that God made me near sighted. HA!
Yeah well, maybe that’s not why… but still it was cool being comfortable staring seeing beholding viewing gandering watching observing regarding …others for great lengths of time without looking away. Yeah. I will take my little silly joys whenever I can.
Oh and my co-workers laugh at me when I say, “Hold on, let me put my glasses on so I can hear you.” Yeah I say that. I cannot hear (very well) without my glasses on. Really.
“Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes!” 1 Samuel 12:16