“The greatest gift that we can receive from God in the present world is this: To know how, to desire, and to be able to conquer self by renouncing our own will.” St. Francis of Assisi.
Careful what you pray for. Yeah. Again I prayed for something and did not expect the response… I had prayed that God would help me get in shape and lose weight. Yeah, I prayed that. I have been struggling with some extra weight and I felt like I was getting nowhere… so I prayed about it. Please help me Lord. So what happens? Last Thursday night I wind up in the Emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack! Yeah really! If that’s not a wakeup call, supernatural slap upside the head, I don’t know what is!
Now I’m not saying that God is a big meanie … no I know God is merciful and loving… hey, I admit, it’s all my fault. Sure I exercise ~ I bike 14 miles on the rail trail, lift weights and use the elliptical at Planet Fitness pretty much 5 days out of the week… but my diet…. Heh … here I was asking for help and I was not holding up my end of the bargain. I eat too much (though most of it is healthy, well, maybe not most) and I snack too much… like a whole bag of Veggie Stix… yeah they’re made out of vegetables… but I scoff down the WHOLE BAG! Yeah. That. Years of eating like that.
So last Thursday I had been feeling like someone was squeezing my heart. All day. I had felt this on and off during the week but on Thursday it was a continuous feeling of a pain in my chest. Right in my heart. I assumed it would just go away. Nope. So at about midnight I was lying in bed with this chest pain thinking, “What if I am having a heart attack?” I also had shortness of breath and a weird sensation/pain up my left arm. Knowing that women can have different symptoms than men I began to get nervous. I also have a heart murmur. What if I go to bed and wake up dead? O.o Seriously. Yup I came upon that dreaded moment… what if I die now? What about my family, my boys, my friends, my students, my collection of short stories I never published … 50 is too young! AH!
So I woke up my husband and told him what I was experiencing … off to the hospital (props to my hubbie who stayed up 40 hours with me!) and they did the usual battery of tests, blood work, chest x-rays, stress test (running on a treadmill without a bra! Woo hoo hahahahahahha!)
Here I am all hooked up, yeah right on my tattoo of the Sacred Heart of Jesus
… but it all came back negative for a heart attack. It wasn’t my heart! So of course I had sent out messages for all my friends/family to pray for me… what a great feeling to know that so many were praying for me (such love!). But once it was all said and done I kind of felt like an idiot when it wasn’t a heart attack. I know that sounds weird… but when they said it was probably reflux I thought… “Huh. …really? That’s it? It really felt like a heart attack! Reflux sounds lame and embarrassing.” Yeah I know. Silly me. It was good news and I was getting all embarrassed. Duh.
So this was God telling me, “Hey, Kelly. You asked me to help. This is where you are now. You have to eat healthy now or this pain will not go away. You have to eat a restricted diet. You know I love you and you know you have a lot more to do. So you have to get healthy. You got this girl. I am with you.” Okay. Got it. I don’t like it. But hey, I usually need a divine dope slap to get me to take things seriously. I know, I know we are not here forever so I need to take better care of myself.
I needed help conquering self. Daily conversion. Transformation. Yeah I know… but I thought I could eat ice cream and potato chips while transforming… hmph.
Okay Lord, I will try harder. Thanks for not giving up on me.