I have been kicking myself for weeks … months really, about not blogging… what has kept me from blogging? … huh. Ya see I think I have a good idea but then I realize it is just angry ole me wanting to vent and rail about politics and how stupid and intolerant (especially those who claim to be tolerant!) people are… Yeah that’s what I want to write about! My anger and frustration! This whole election cycle was CRAZY… before and after! I could go OFF on a rant about it… mostly disgusted at fellow Catholics who voted for her (!!!) … AAAHHHH… (thank God she did not get in!) …but that is not what I wanted to blog about today… I want to blog about what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving season.
Recently I seem to be battling daily niggling demons…. That feeling inside me of disgust, anger, frustration… it overtakes me and I stew and fume for hours about certain situations.. whether it be other’s (idiotic!) political ideology or just daily friend/work nonsense that irritates me… I have a hard time letting it go… the anger boils inside me and I really want to let someone have it.
I found the only way to stop this irritating feeling is by prayer… by asking God to PLEASE give me the GRACE to be at PEACE! I want to lose that feeling of anger and frustration and just be filled with His peace and love… so I let it go. I give it to Him. I pray. Sometimes just a small prayer, or a rosary, or a Divine Mercy Chaplet… and wonderfully… within minutes (sometimes hours) the feeling of despair and hate lifts. Those demons have been taken out (St Michael to the rescue!) and I no longer have that burden of loathing upon me. I am free. It is quite miraculous because sometimes I am really angry and I am “hatin’” bad… like I never want to speak to certain people again … it is that serious. It’s like this vermicious k’nid type demon has grappled upon my back, sinking it’s claws into me, seeping its evil venomous lies into my brain, poisoning me, smirking its yellow sharp smile, snickering and giggling as I fume on and on, temperature rising, steam pouring out of my ears, steely daggers slicing out of my eyes, hatred and mockery belching out of my mouth..… Yeah… that bad. I hate that it overtakes me so easily and turns me into something horrid, despicable…
So I pray, beg, plead, because I do not want to feel this way… I do not want this fierce anger nesting in my soul. Unhinge this beast, Lord, and fill me with your pure light! .. and He does. He answers my prayers. I am given the grace to overcome. There is no way I could do it without Him. No way. I am not strong enough. He gives me …Holy Cheerfulness. I came upon this phrase today~ It is interesting that I read this chapter from Thomas of Celano’s The Remembrance of the Desire of a Soul (the Francis Trilogy) today:
“This holy man (Francis) insisted that spiritual joy was an infallible remedy against a thousand snares and tricks of the enemy. He used to say, ‘The devil is most delighted when he can steal the joy of the spirit from a servant of God. He carries dust which he tries to throw into the tiniest opening of the conscious, to dirty a clear mind and a clear life. But if a spiritual joy fills the heart, the serpent casts its poison in vain. The devils cannot harm a servant of Christ when they see him filled with holy cheerfulness…’ The saint therefore always strove to keep a joyful heart, to preserve the anointing of the spirit and the oil of gladness.”
I want to be like St. Francis, (thus, as a Secular Franciscan, I follow his ways) but I need God’s grace to get there… to be always joyful and full of peace.
So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for many things…. from family and friends (to the election results!) … but most of all I am thankful for God’s grace. For the gift of Holy cheerfulness.