So. Yeah. Hm. I didn’t wait. I blew it. Impatient me. In my last blog I went on and on and on about how I will be accepting of whatever happens to me in my life. Yeah. Pppfffttt. I wasn’t. Things did not go my way and I was miffed …to say the least.
Ha! I prayed. ASKED specifically for something. And I did not get what I wanted immediately …. And then… yeah…. I lost it. Freaked. Flipped. Despair ensued. Depression rode me like a clutching screeching monkey. Weeping and gnashing of teeth… yup. I was upset. Dejected. Blue. Miserable… wretched… and Angry. Don’t forget angry. Red hot fire breathing angry… crazy-eye twitching livid .. you get the picture. I was not happy.
Angry. At others for not giving me what I thought I deserved. At myself for being angry and not enwrapped in “perfect joy”. At God… for not answering my prayer how I wanted it answered: right away. Yeah… Joy had left the building and I was wallowing in the muck of self-pity.Psshh. I blew it.
It seems I can talk the talk but I cannot walk the walk. I can write about being a holy and good Christian filled with perfect joy and being accepting of all that comes my way… HA! but when something “bad” happens… when I come upon one big bump in the road I flail, reeling headlong into outer darkness of hopelessness. I give up. I don’t continue to wait on the Lord. I assume it is all over.
I am impatient. I am surely not humble. I hate praying the Litany of Humility (but I do it anyway). I feel I will need to pray it for decades before anything really changes in me.
I learn by doing. God knows this. I am a visual and a kinesthetic learner. Show me how and then let me do it. So…. Practice practice practice… in this case: Wait Training. Ugh. God I hate waiting….
The only way I can transform into the holy person I am meant to be is by dying to self… die to that impatient, selfish, proud me. I need to get rid of the old me and put on the whole armor of God. I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (I hear James Earl Jone’s voice when I read that scripture quote). If I want to be the first Saint Kelly I know I need to practice…. by doing, living, being humble and patient.
But… hm.… humility and patience … I don’t want to practice those. But I know I need to…. So I was given the opportunity to practice and … I didn’t fair too well. Epic fail. Epicepicepic fail…
BUT …At least I know and acknowledge the fact that I blew it and want to try to be better at responding positively to whatever befalls me in the future… at least I know I need help. I know I need that practice. I pray each morning: “Help me to be aware of my sinfulness- help me have the grace to respond.” (I believe I got that from Kimberly Hahn).
In hind-sight I see that I just needed to wait a little while longer for my prayer to be answered. God did come through… (ALLELUIA! PRAISE THE LORD!) ..but it took time… God’s time. Just a couple weeks. Really that was all it was… a few weeks… But when you’re freaking … that seems like an eternity. I know now that I just needed to calmly wait, be humble and see what wonderful things He would do. Because He did answer my prayer and give me what I asked for.
I am not in any way shape or form perfect… far from it. I am on this journey and I know I have come a long way (you should have seen me before! YIKES!) … I have a long way to go… the rest of my life….
I suppose I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for blowing it. I should give myself a break. God knows I am in the process of being transformed, He knows I will fall at times. He is merciful and loving. I just need to tell myself that it will all be okay… stay on the path because God isn’t finished with me yet…. I need to persevere ….and Catholic on….
Oh Jesus be my strength and my salvation.
Oh Jesus be my strength and my salvation.
Oh Jesus be my strength and my salvation.
Precious Fool 