Monthly Archives: June 2013

Wait training


So. Yeah. Hm.  I didn’t wait. I blew it. Impatient me. In my last blog I went on and on and on about how I will be accepting of whatever happens to me in my life. Yeah. Pppfffttt. I wasn’t. Things did not go my way and I was miffed …to say the least.
Ha! I prayed. ASKED specifically for something. And I did not get what I wanted  immediately …. And then… yeah…. I lost it. Freaked. Flipped. Despair ensued. Depression rode me like a clutching screeching monkey. Weeping and gnashing of teeth… yup. I was upset. Dejected. Blue. Miserable… wretched… and Angry. Don’t forget angry. Red hot fire breathing angry… crazy-eye twitching livid .. you get the picture. I was not happy.
Angry. At others for not giving me what I thought I deserved. At myself for being angry and not enwrapped in “perfect joy”.  At God… for not answering my prayer how I wanted it answered: right away. Yeah… Joy had left the building and I was wallowing in the muck of self-pity.Psshh.  I blew it.
It seems I can talk the talk but I cannot walk the walk. I can write about being a holy and good Christian filled with perfect joy and being accepting of all that comes my way… HA! but when something “bad” happens… when I come upon one big bump in the road I flail, reeling headlong into outer darkness of hopelessness. I give up. I don’t continue to wait on the Lord. I assume it is all over.
I am impatient. I am surely not humble. I hate praying the Litany of Humility (but I do it anyway). I feel I will need to pray it for decades before anything really changes in me.
I learn by doing. God knows this. I am a visual and a kinesthetic learner. Show me how and then let me do it. So…. Practice practice practice… in this case: Wait Training. Ugh. God I hate waiting….

The only way I can transform into the holy person I am meant to be is by dying to self… die to that impatient, selfish, proud me.  I need to get rid of the old me and put on the whole armor of God. I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (I hear James Earl Jone’s voice when I read that scripture quote). If I want to be the first Saint Kelly I know I need to practice…. by doing, living, being humble and patient.
But… hm.… humility and patience … I don’t want to practice those. But I know I need to…. So I was given the opportunity to practice and … I didn’t fair too well. Epic fail. Epicepicepic fail…

BUT …At least I know and acknowledge the fact that I blew it and want to try to be better at responding positively to whatever befalls me in the future… at least I know I need help. I know I  need that practice. I pray each morning: “Help me to be aware of my sinfulness- help me have the grace to respond.” (I believe I got that from Kimberly Hahn).
In hind-sight I see that I just needed to wait a little while longer for my prayer to be answered. God did come through… (ALLELUIA! PRAISE THE LORD!) ..but it took time… God’s time. Just a couple weeks. Really that was all it was… a few weeks… But when you’re freaking … that seems like an eternity. I know now that I just needed to calmly wait, be humble and see what wonderful things He would do.  Because He did answer my prayer and give me what I asked for.
I am not in any way shape or form perfect… far from it. I am on this journey and I know I have come a long way (you should have seen me before! YIKES!) … I have a long way to go… the rest of my life….
I suppose I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for blowing it. I should give myself a break. God knows I am in the process of being transformed, He knows I will fall at times. He is merciful and loving.  I just need to tell myself that it will all be okay… stay on the path because God isn’t finished with me yet…. I need to persevere  ….and Catholic on….

ImageOh Jesus be my strength and my salvation.

Oh Jesus be my strength and my salvation.

Oh Jesus be my strength and my salvation.

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