Desire

 

I’m staring at a blank Word document.

The desire is there…

I haven’t written a blog in months…. Uninspired or maybe just overwhelmed and thrown into grimacing despair by a slightly crappy school year… whatever the reason, here I am … finally deciding to write.

Okay, … so start.

Just do it.

Go.

What are you waiting for?

Humph.

Well, I did write during Lent. Instead of giving up something like coffee (never again!) or swearing (no coffee made me swear!) I decided to write. What did I write? Haikus. Yes, every day I wrote a Haiku. I Haikued. Some days I wrote more than one. Yip, that’s what I did. Early morning… me, my coffee and my fingers counting five, seven, five syllables …

“As the desperate

dismal night clutched eagerly

at her lonesome stars”

Yeah, stuff like that… but usually biblically inspired stuff… Hey, it was Lent.

Anyway…  so as we slide gleefully into  what I call ‘finally spring’ (May) … because Lord knows March and April are not spring in New England… Not at all! It is my least favorite time of year, it is more like purgatory really…. Cold, rainy, sometimes maniacally snowy … once in a while there is a warm day thrown in there just to tease and annoy us! But for the most part… Marpril is gray and miserably bleak. Yup that’s the perfect word for Marpril. BLEAK.  The imagery I see…

“Screaming naked trees

Moaning, reaching for blue skies

Find sad loneliness.”

Yeah, sorry. Haikuing again…   So here we are in May…

“When the leaves finally

open their green eyes and bloom

Laughter in my soul”

Derailed… Ah! I started sliding gleefully and I derailed and Haikued myself again … as usual… anyway: The whole point of me writing today was not about my Lenten Haikus or how much I despise early spring… it was about God’s will in my life. Yes! How I sometimes wonder if I am really following God’s will or if I am skipping off silly and oblivious in my own prideful selfish direction….

And there  Jesus is … face palming ….

Shaking His head, saying, “There she goes again…”  when He really wanted me to go that way instead….  Or did He? Not sure… and I hate not being sure if I am doing God’s will.  Like the decision I made recently…

So normally in the summer I teach at a camp for high functioning autistic kids. I enjoy taking a break from teaching teenagers (I am a special ed teacher in a high school). I get to play/teach K-3^rd graders in the summer.  I enjoyed doing this… though at times it was challenging, it was something I liked to do. Well, I won’t get into it, and to make a long story short…  it turned out that a decision was made and I was told I would be teaching the teenagers at camp this summer. Just let me say I was not happy about the decision. I wanted to be with and teach my little ones! So after some thought/prayer and discussion with my husband I decided: Forget it! I would just not work this summer. Was it a knee-jerk decision I made because I didn’t get what I wanted? Was this a new direction I was supposed to go in (teaching the teenagers), or was it a door closing (don’t teach this summer)? Ya see, at times I just don’t know if I am going against God’s will or if I am being steered in a different direction… huh.

Thing is~ I made my decision. I am not working this summer. No camp for me. And when I think  about it~ I need this. I need a break. I always seem to take on too much. Busy busy busy. I never have time to do things around the house.  Ah, to have the summer off and be with my boys. To finally scrape the wallpaper off my son’s room and paint. To be there to help my son study for Driver’s Ed. … To write. To BLOG! To read. Novels! To ride my bike everyday if I want to. To relax at the lake. To enjoy the sound of the waves at the ocean… things like this. I do desperately need to take time off for it has been a hard year!… and to have time to get ready for the coming school year (I never had time to do this)….  This is a good thing. Yes. I need this.

So yeah. I do feel a peace about this. I am hoping/assuming it is God’s will for me…  but like Thomas Merton’s Thoughts I Solitude sometimes I just don’t know.  I DESIRE to do His will… and even if I stray off the path He had for me at least He knows I do desire to do what He wants…

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” Thomas Merton.

I love that  because it makes me feel like I am not the only one who feels clueless at times about God’s will. God knows I at least try. I desire to do His will. I desire to be holy. A saint! Even if I wind up taking the long way to get there. Hey maybe I need the long way… thing is: God is there for me no matter what.

And if nothing else … He knows I will keep Him entertained this summer with my silly Haikus.